Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
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waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Denise please return my vape pen
absolutely not
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Me buying fruit and veg
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve