I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
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You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Reporter: *ports again*
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]