[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
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The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Google Pay be like:
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Wasps: bees, but not helping
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
stand with me against insufficient seating
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.