(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
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What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn