Travel bloggers during quarantine
You Might Also Like
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
handsome & gretel
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Lucky old June.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*