Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
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what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
nature’s most graceful animal
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.