My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
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I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.