When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
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What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
can’t catch a break
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Meow
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”