I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
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HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.