Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
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You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
me hitting on a model
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Never forget.