Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
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INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”