IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
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Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t