ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know