[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
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If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
jesus christ confetti not now
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.