me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
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[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.