Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
You Might Also Like
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
I might carry a baby with one hand.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
This fish is cracking me up
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.