I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
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BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.