So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
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Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*