email: CC
my brain: corn cob
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[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool