The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
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I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”