No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
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[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
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We found love in a hopeless place.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough