Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
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time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
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My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!