Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
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My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
🤣dope
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.