I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
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Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week