Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
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Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Hey I worked for it too!
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.