Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
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With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
I really had high hopes for this year though