I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
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ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
going to the ER y’all need anything
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.