6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
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If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
best review i’ve ever seen
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes