*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
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*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.