I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
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I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
#parenting
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning