Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
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Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.