I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
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I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
A bold strategy
forgive me baja for i have blast
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.