Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
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Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah