Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
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The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast