Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
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I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Birds & Planes.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
it’s a van. how do they not know this