“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
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*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I miss getting my misinformation from less places