Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
You Might Also Like
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
scrabbled eggs
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!