Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
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Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Squirrels before girls.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.