Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
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FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I’m calling the cops.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
nobody’s gonna understand
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information