Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
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And then there were 4
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
What even happened today?
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Don’t we all.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.