I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
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Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
How did we not see this back then?
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store