Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
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The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Me as a therapist: omg same
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect