Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
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If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
jesus, what did this guy do
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell