The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
You Might Also Like
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
PARKOUR
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar