friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
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don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.