Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
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People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
There is wisdom there.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
i’m sure it’s fine
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.