I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
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[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so