I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
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CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
They must have gotten it to go.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.