I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
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When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.