WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
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Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
My daily affirmation
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?